GoddamnitNathanSchiffstopeffingscaringme. There’s nihilism, and there’s nihilism to the point where it’s not safe to be around the nihilist; when the deep black hole at the center of their mind is so possessing that you will be killed and eaten by whatever is trapped down there. There is no coincidence in the fact that nihilism and […]
Okay. This is it. The big one. I don’t even know where to start. It’s like a giant sheet made of palaces and puzzles and toys—and there’s always a piece that’s new to be found, and a new mystery around every corner. The missing piece is the one thing that people always look for—that missing […]
I’m back! And so is Donn Davison. The world is doomed! Or saved; perhaps both. Well, if someone’s gonna do the dooming, it might as well be me, because I feel a certain salvation upon watching the incredible journey that is Blood Beast of Monster Mountain.
Director Charles Cullen gives an intro explaining the film. He looks like Marilyn Manson. There’s lots of distinctively un-Manson music in this film. It’s like a bad joke. Of course, that’s how we roll when we run with Night of the Bums.
“Science Crazed” is the title of a “horror” “comedy” “motion” picture made possibly by a human being. If it was made by a human being, we are doomed. I’m so sorry, Earth. A wannabe Frankenstein named Doctor Wilbur Frank is told his “experiments” are too radical. The conversation between Frank and his boss takes about […]
Vampirism—an all-too-real affliction, driving people to feast on human blood. It sounds horrific, but it gets worse. There’s a type of vampirism called exploitation—an unsettling but sometimes pleasing meal of domination over the weaker, though not just that; the filmic record of human pleasure on the subject of domination. The mere word “domination” is exploitative, […]
Anticipation triumphs! Once upon a time, there was an essay—a special gift I wrote for Liberal Dead. I don’t know where it is now but I think I got rid of it because it just wasn’t that good. It was a report from hitting three real small-time video stores in Minneapolis and St. Paul in […]
Bogs are spooky places. They are full of mystery, definitely. The soft cries of the exotic birds bring an odd chill to your spine, and the deep, murky waters hide so many things. And when it hits night, the shack-filter light is the only thing that keeps you safe. The fog is cold…and all the […]
There is an immortal question that has been asked since questions have been invented, and since people have discerned that existence must have a point. We have called this question “Why”, and it has become the most potent question that we have ever invented. Socrates refined it. And it has indeed been refined time and […]
The Absent is certainly a curious film in its interplay of reality and fiction. On one hand, it is a mildly interesting and particularly average slasher film. There is minimalistic nudity, and some gore of minor intrigue. The killer is a darkly-dressed man who is related to the main character who began killing at a […]
This movie is more awesome than driving a car that transforms into a jet-fighter made of bullets into an explosion made out of boobs. And at all the same time, at the center of that explosion of boobs, there is…a heart.
Ha, ha, wow! I watched this the day after I watched Motocross Zombies from Hell (and I’m currently doing the reviews back to back). All I can say is—I’m impressed. You’ll see why in a second. Killer birds! Holy Morpheus! Shades of Hitchcock! The world is sent into disrepair by a flock of birds apparently […]
The red envelope is there, on the desk. I stare at it for a very long time before I decide to pick up. The staring is metaphorical, not literal—I have stared at it for about two months now. I suspect that if I don’t force myself to rip open the envelope and consume its contents, […]
Viva la France! Even though America is my home, France is in my blood. Apparently, N.G. Mount took a statement like that to heart. Then, he drained it out of his head through trepanning, covered it up with a freaky leather mask, and splattered it all over a camera lens in the wonder that is […]
I-I…what?! Hang on, what?! Oh my God, what is this?!! Holy Phantasos. Th-this is the greatest movie of all time. A Night to Dismember has just done something to me and I want everyone else to get in on it. So let’s get cracking: we open with a shot of a thunderstruck sky, the bleeding […]
It’s been a long time, hasn’t it? I’m sure that a lot of you are aware that, yes, after roughly forty-three years (seventy-nine if you count White Zombie as coming first instead of Night of the Living Dead) Greece has finally produced its first zombie movie! I’m excited, aren’t you? Well, you better be. As […]
Happy Holidays. Or, rather, Merry Christmas. I’m really sorry that I’m late. You can’t quite get everything on the dot, though. I feel inadequate. Christmas Evil has gotten everything on the dot. It’s a story about a young boy named Harry who is traumatized by Christmas, and grows up to be a man who wants […]
There are times when I feel like (even though I’ve just begun) I should just stop being a critic. I’ve done a lot of other writings and in those writings I find a lot of professional hate, just because I’m a critic. No one really deserves to be taken down, especially if the work in […]
Does one hilarious moment make up for an entire two hours of shamelessness? I’d say yes.It’s Turkey Week! Well, not really. I guess I can’t really go ahead and review the other three Turkish movies I’ve seen: 3 Dev Adam (Captain America and El Santo vs. Spider-Man), Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam (Turkish Star Wars), and Turist […]