A wannabe Frankenstein named Doctor Wilbur Frank is told his “experiments” are too radical. The conversation between Frank and his boss takes about five minutes, just because we get minute-long pauses between everything they exchange. This sets the normal for the rest of the film. Frank injects a woman with a serum that causes to get pregnant and give birth in under three hours. Her baby is a full-grown abomination bandaged-covered monster called “the Fiend”, who kills Frank and goes around murdering people in the laboratory/apartment/swimming pool/gym/some guy’s basement-garage/??? Then we reach The Scene. Every movie has The Scene, but The Scene from Science Crazed is especially “unique”. We get two women who are working out in the gym section of the “lab”. We get shots of them working out intercut with a looped singular clip of the Fiend lurching towards them. The entire exercise montage that occurs is made up of about three clips, looped ad infinitum. This whole setup takes almost twenty minutes—the women working out in the same four or five clips over and over, and the same one clip of the Fiend dragging himself down a hallway over and over. At this point, I realized I was watching the ultimate nightmare for any critic. Oftentimes we have to review movies that were made as shorts but later had to be filled out for whatever reason. Science Crazed is one of those films. Except that most of the short films that were lengthened were at least half an hour. The original Science Crazed, I theorize, was probably five minutes. The final Science Crazed is a mind-warping hour and a half.
The rest of the movie is eerie. Apparently this weird building complex doesn’t have lighting—I’m not kidding, characters read, sit, and chant endlessly and silently to themselves in near-pitch black, with occasional splashes of lighting that seem to come from either a film noir movie or a police searchlight. The Fiend basically runs around killing more people, while a Large Ham (and post-dubbed) policeman and two lab assistants try to kill it. The Fiend shows up and people aren’t scared, even though the sound it makes when it breathes resembles a heartbeat, amplified a billion times and put underwater. In fact, one woman apparently falls in love with it, because she keeps caressing its pectorals and tries to kiss it before he strangles her. The scene where he caresses it is, like the workout scene, a little over fifteen minutes and consists of less than ten clips of footage. Also, the same actress plays about three different characters that all have the same hairstyle. And there’s a lady who lists off all the countries and she thinks need to perform neurotoxin tests, and then lists off about twenty major nations, with about a minute pause between each name. No joke, it takes her almost two minutes to write the word “Japan”. All of this seems to indicate that maybe post-production a lot of things were changed—she definitely seems to write a lot more, and plus people talk without words coming out. In the end, the cop is wounded and dies shooting the monster’s leg, which bleeds green, while the lab assistant chops it with a machete, and it bleeds red. Then, we hear about a possible sequel, Revenge of the “Fiend”. No.
Do I really have to analyze this? Well, I should, to accurately present my experience with this “movie”. Simply put, Science Crazed is beyond awful. It starts out on a hopeful note; cheerfully awkward, but slow, and then eventually just becoming slow. After The Scene, there is nothing but stark oblivion; the same Casio soundtrack looped until the audience nauseous, the same two or three pieces of film looped until the audience kills themselves. It really is a film that wasn’t made to be lengthy, but the director and crew (which is largely credited just through first names, nicknames, or initials) decided, “Screw it, we need about six centuries worth of pool footage”. After watching it, I feel numb. While watching it, I felt suicidal. Before watching it, I felt like I was in for something awesome. And I’m a man who hates being disappointed. And suicidal.
I watched this one with my brother, a stalwart and loyal companion, and weirdly enough, he seems to genuinely like it. Which isn’t really a problem—in fact, the way he went about it made me feel like I had a problem for honestly hating this movie so much. But there’s only so much I can take. I should find value in this. Read any other review. I love almost everything. But I sincerely and very seriously hate Science Crazed. It’s not even that it’s boring, or that it tries to brand itself as a comedy (although maybe that’s just IMDB’s error). It’s the fact that it drags on and on and on and on until really I don’t even care if the Fiend ever gets his revenge in the never-to-be sequel or even who lives and who dies. And I’m a person who tends to care about characters. The awkwardness does appeal to me and make the characters seem more lively and loveable. But not in the way they’re presented. Were Science Crazed any other film, I think I would love Science Crazed a whole lot more.
I can easily tell people to never watch this movie, but I suppose the appeal of the film is that it was actually made—possibly as an experiment, given that this is director Ron Switzer’s one and only lovechild. It’s also pretty obscure, and I always encourage people to step outside their comfort zone and to explore strange new worlds. But I can’t even bring myself to watch it twice—though I suppose that presents the challenge of…“Can you?”