Remakeapalooza: Children Of The Corn (2009)

I’m not going to waste time on plot synopsis, as it’s a remake of a classic, and we’re all familiar with the story. 2009’s Children Of The Corn is a shitty remake, of the shitty cult classic from 1984. Much like Wes Craven’s original The Hills Have Eyes, I’m not sure how the original achieved cult status. It’s a poorly made movie, with ridiculous performances. I think it’s name recognition. For Children Of The Corn, it was penned by Stephen King. Another one of his shorts, that just doesn’t work for me as a feature length film.

While the remake is sub-par, at times it manages to be fun to watch. The first act of the movie was really creepy, and atmospheric, much like the original. Burt is played by David Anders this time around, a name some of you may recognize as Sark, on J.J. Abrams series Alias. Vicki is played by Kandyse McClure, who played in another made-for-tv King remake, Carrie. McClure phones in a terrible performance here. As bad as her performance, was probably the way her character was written. She wasn’t given a purpose, other than to be a complete bitch, for what seems like no reason. Her character is not developed, so when she gets what’s coming to her, you either don’t care, or are happy that she was dealt with. I enjoyed Anders, but I’m a huge fan of Alias, so that might have something to do with it. I think he made the best of a shitty script though. Every other line written for him has something to do with Vietnam. Yes, he’s recently returned from the war, but does that really have to be his entire character? The first time they played this Vietnam flashback card, it sort of worked. He was in “the corn” and it did seem like he was in the jungle, so him making a reference to being in the jungles of ‘Nam was forgivable at this point, but it happened every other scene, and it became laughable by the end.

I was fairly surprised at the level of gore, and nudity in the film, seeing as the film premiered on the SyFy channel last year. I had assumed that it was a made for TV movie, but apparently it was not. The special effects are pretty good. Most effects appear to be practical. There is minor use of CGI, but nothing that bothered me as much as it usual does. One of the biggest problem with this flick is Preston Bailey’s performance as Isaac. I realize he was probably only 7 years old when the movie was filmed, but his performance is so bad, that it makes it hard to take the film seriously, as if it wasn’t already a challenge.

For the most part, Children Of The Corn is a poor movie. To be fair though, your film can only be as strong as the script allows, and this script could have definitely used a rewrite. It was a surprise for an American movie to show such graphic child deaths, as taboo as that subject is in American cinema, I have to at least give props to the filmmakers for that. I wouldn’t recommend going out of your way to find a copy of this flick to watch, but if you’re bored on a weekday afternoon, and Ace of Cakes or something isn’t currently on television, give it a go. There’s a little fun to be had, if you can forgive all of it’s flaws, of which there are many.

5/10

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