Hey there. You know me. I’m that guy that’s usually put into the position to defend these remake/sequel/prequel/premaquel/reboot/whateverthefuckyouwannacallits. Hell, I lost fake friends over The Thing. I can handle differing opinions just fine, and everyone is entitled to their own, but hyperbole, cockriding, and the opposite, I cannot abide. I can understand someone not liking the prequel to The Thing, but to say it resembles a SyFy movie, is absurd. I have enough stupidity to deal with in my every day life that I don’t need to subject myself to it purposefully. I was moderately excited for Texas Chainsaw 3D. I wasn’t thrilled about the 3D aspect of the film, but what the hell, am I right? I love the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise. I’m going to admit right here and now, that I love every single film, even the awful ones(I’m looking at you, Next Generation). A new Chainsaw flick on the big screen should have been just what the doctor ordered for this shitty year that I am already having.
I went to the theater alone, because well, that’s just where I am in my life these days. It was the noon showing on opening weekend. The theater was practically empty, so I had zero distractions. To be honest, Texas Chainsaw was supposed to BE the distraction. How bad could it be, right? Even if it’s bad, I’ll get to see some titties and gore. And, to be fair, there was indeed one brief set of titties, and a couple of scenes of gore. I suppose I should have been satisfied with that, but as a direct sequel to the original classic, this should have been so much better. Yes, I am aware that Tobe Hooper “endorsed” this new film, but really now, what does that mean? It happens ever day in the entertainment industry, hell, every form of business operates this way when it involves the media. “Here, take this check and say some awesome shit about us.” Unless a filmmaker is known for their brutal honesty, them telling me how awesome some upcoming royalty related movie is means absolutely nothing to me.
The first few minutes of this movie were promising. It’s very reminiscent of 80s slasher sequels, where the first few minutes of the film are cut from the film before it, and presented in the form of a flashback. Once this portion of the movie ended, though, it took a complete nosedive. In this situation, I don’t even know whether to blame the acting, or the script. I’m fairly certain it’s a decent combination of both, as the actors sloppily deliver some of the most atrocious dialog that’s entered my ears for quite some time. I guess that should be considered an accomplishment, with the amount of absolute garbage that I subject myself to. There are two particular lines of dialog that, people who tend to agree more with my opinion of the film, are talking about all over various forms of social media. But, to be honest, it’s more than just that. The entirety of the dialog in this movie is just awful. Even if this movie featured some of the best gore to be seen in a mainstream horror film(it does not), the terrible dialog distracted me so much that I just couldn’t help but eagerly anticipate the ending credits.
Another thing that bothered me was the music. Yes, I know, we’re following a group of douchebag twenty something, “normal” people, who listen to “normal people” music, but in a film like Texas Chainsaw, it is quite off-putting to be subjected to modern, billboard pop/hiphop. I realize it’s just laziness, but something could have been done here, to make it less annoying. I’m also expected to ignore the fact that, mathematically, this film should be taking place in 1994, yet people are running around with smartphones. I know, I know, suspension of disbelief and all, but as stated above, that’s not my main issue with the movie. The lack of continuity I can forgive, it’s the stomach churning dialog that really killed this one for me. Yes, there was at least one moment of gore that I was surprised to be seeing at a movie theater, but that just didn’t make up for the rest of the mess for me.
Here is where I will lose a lot of you. I love the 2003 remake of TCM. It’s gritty, gory, well acted, exciting, pays enough homage to the source material while maintaining its own identity, and goddammit it is a good time. I’m not one that will assume what lurks within the hearts and minds of others, but I just can’t help but think, that if Texas Chainsaw 3D were released under the Platinum Dunes label, and lacked Tobe Hooper’s approval, some of these same people that have been talking about how great this entry into the franchise is, while claiming to hate the remake, would be bashing this film all over the place. Perhaps that is unfair. Maybe I’m just being an asshole. Hell, I am an asshole, but it’s just my perception. I came home from the theater, expecting the people in my circle to be talking about how poor of a film this was, and was instead greeted with the opposite. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you shouldn’t rent this Blu Ray from Redbox once it drops, it is a Texas Chainsaw film, after all. But please, I beg of you, don’t press play with any kind of high expectations. Chances are, even with low expectations, you’ll be disappointed.