Argh, wait! Hold on! I have a “Best and Worst” List for 2010 too! Please don’t leave me behind!
You’re stopping? Okay, good. Phew. Lemme catch my breath. And then I’ll start.
I don’t have much of a speech prepared for tonight. And, I guess I don’t need one. You guys all saw the title and just want to see what I like and what I don’t like. Right? Okay, I’ll make this quick. Honestly, this isn’t my Best and Worst List of 2010, at least in the sense that I’m doing only movies made in 2010 that I watched. No, I’m leaving that to other people, because to be frank, most of my stuff (the stuff I like, that is) was made before 1999. I believe, though, I may have some goodies for those who want something from the Time of Now.
Also, about half of these movies, I never posted reviews for. Patience. They are waiting in the wings, like bats hungry for your blood. Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Or, maybe this will count as their reviews. I’m not sure.
So, that’s my speech. Let’s take a look!
The Worst Five Viewings of 2010:
Number Five – Bear (2010)
It’s unbearable! It’s more than I can bear! I think it stars my least favorite musician…Justin Biebear! Oh my gosh, what has this movie done to me? Bear is Jaws with a bear instead of a shark. That’s it. That’s the whole premise, pretty badly mangled. And, it’s centered on a bunch of teens that are, for the most part, unlikeable assholes who stepped right out of one of E!’s soap operas. Wait, how do you not notice a bear climbing on top of your car?!!
Number Four – Die Hard Dracula (1998)
I’m confused as to what this movie thinks it is. Sometimes it’s an action-horror movie, but most of the time it’s a lousy situation comedy. Like so many horror comedies, it’s funny for all the wrong reasons—namely, how stupid our main characters (Doctor van Helsing and a guy named Steven) can be. That’s a recurring theme with a lot of the movies I typically don’t find myself liking—when the main characters are, for all purposes, too dumb to live.
Number Three – Psyched by the 4D Witch (1972)
Hey, guys! Guys! Can I submit a review on this porno I saw this one time? No? Even if it’s a horror movie that tries to hide the fact that it’s softcore porn? Well, okay…
Hoo boy. So, there’s this girl who ends up summoning her witch ancestor’s ghost. The witch’s ghost teaches her about the ways of “sexual witchcraft”, and she goes on a long spree of sex fantasies that involve such thing as a self-proclaimed “homo”, a snake, and a dead body. Eventually she tries to rebel against the “witch bitch”, especially after she turns her brother into a “sex vampire” who runs around, making the audience laugh uncontrollably. Sometimes fun? Well, I’ll give it that much. Mostly painful? Hell yes.
Well, I gave it my best shot. The little girl who gets her face bitten off tried to help. But, sometimes, caves are not the way to go, especially if nothing happens in them. Really, this was a disappointment—an illegitimate bastard sequel to one of the most beloved horror-sci-fi films of all time? How could I resist? Well, I sure wish I did. Endless padding scenes, little else. Sorry, my little friend.
Worst Viewing of 2010 – Humongous (1982)
But, out of all of these, nothing except Humongous could actually bring me to the point where I wanted to commit acts of physical violence against the director. What were they thinking?! Why do we wander in the dark for so long? Why do we never see the otherwise-awesome monster? Why does this movie try to desperately to pad itself out to nearly two hours when one would have been just fine?! I really, really wanted to like Humongous. But it’s just not a good movie, no matter how you look at it.
The Best Five Viewings of 2010:
If you read my review for David “The Rock” Nelson’s Devil Ant, you’ll know I definitely have a soft spot in my heart for the man. He was the guy who, after just one viewing of one of his movies, helped me tell myself, “Hey, you don’t need money or special effects or even more than one actor. You can make a monster movie and it’ll come out just fine.” And hey, the product of that self-lecture, Spooky Skeleton Geckos from Outer Space, shows up in Giant Horny Toad Monster! This movie is all about taking all the fun craziness you can find in your basement and making a six-or-seven hour long (!) movie out of it. It’s always welcome. Just ask the people at the Deadbeat Drive-In.
Number Four – Voodoo Swamp (1963?)
Surprises are awesome, and I love them, I daresay, more than anyone else (of course, that’s really not for me to decide). While watching a zombie movie which has been 8/9ths boring, and then suddenly getting something that makes me cry with laughter—that’s a surprise I like having. Especially if the surprise involves leaping muscle-bound zombies who shout “Duuuuuuh…” when they get killed with machine guns.
The Christmas Spirit is alive and well—and often there are people who grab it by the ankles and make it chow down on a bowl of pulpy gore, just to scare their neighbors. Silent Night, Deadly Night. Blood Beat. Santa Claws. All of these are movies one could easily grow up hating if you dig the Christmas scene. Not so with Christmas Evil. Beautiful? Yes. Heartfelt? Yes. Terrifying? Yes. Merry Christmas.
Number Two – Demon Lover Diary (1980)
I told you I would never forget. Still resonating in my heart, Demon Lover Diary will always hold something terrible for me—but in a wonderful fashion. It exposes the under-guts of the human machine while talking about one of the cheapest, worst horror movies of all time. Psychoses and romance both appear, working not in harmony but in bitter warfare. I am privileged and indeed very lucky to have heard of it, much less seen it.
Best Viewing of 2010 – A Night to Dismember (1983)
This movie, which will have a review out in the wee early hours of 2011 (I hope), is not unlike Demon Lover Diary. Both show human fumbling in a human way. But, whereas Demon Lover Diary shows all of the innate horror that humans can accomplish, A Night to Dismember shows just how amazingly laughable they can be. A grim reflection of magical crappiness, the perfect concoction of nonstop laughter and complete and utter bullshit, this movie is definitely the Best Viewing of 2010 just through sheer ineptness. I’ll go into more detail with the review, but in the meantime—watch the damn thing. It is truly the best movie of the year.
And that ends my list for 2010. Looking at those last five—Holy Morpheus, what am I going to find next year? Could anything top those?
Well. I’m looking forward to seeing that. More than anything.