Happy Easter, one and all! I hope everyone is enjoying themselves. I have a gift here in my basket for all of you. Vomit, courtesy of my buddy Pukin’ Luke! Don’t you remember him? He’s one of the Apostles! I can see you all getting sick to your stomachs right now on some of that good home-cooked religious sacrilege. Let me tell you the tale of Zombie Christ.
So, Mary Magdalene is skipping along to some truly terrible xylophone music, picking flowers to bring to the tomb of Christ. She reaches the tomb but discovers it open—she runs to tell the Apostles, but after she leaves, Zombie Jesus comes out! And so begins our story. The Apostles, which include Simon-Called-Peter and the aforementioned Pukin’ Luke are a lovely gang of drunkards, philosophers, and bong-hitters who have lost their way after the death of Jesus. Mary tells them what happened at the tomb and two of them go to investigate; along the way, Peter accidentally hits and knocks one of them out (“Fuck a duck, I think I killed him!”) and Jesus comes out to eat him. When they return, they discover an evil trio has murdered the Apostles and they want to rape the two after tying them up. They discover then that they want to rape Peter, not Mary, and we get some really bizarre sheep-fucking jokes (?) when Jesus returns and kills the gang. Then Peter becomes a zombie, but it’s fortunate that Mary is a ninja, I guess. At the end, the last of the gang and a new Apostle, Blade-Licker, kill Jesus with a crucifix-stake to the brain.
Hoo boy. I guess I can start off by saying that I’m not a Christian. This movie didn’t offend me; as a matter of fact, the attempts it made to offend me were pretty hilarious. There are a lot of things to laugh at; the surreal tries at jokes, the switching between black-and-white and colors, and the Heavy Metal Massacre-esque use of colored filters for seemingly no reason. A lot of profanity is present, though the rape scene never actually happens. This movie has strange intentions; at the beginning you can tell that someone had a beef with religion. But partway through, the whole thing seems like an advertisement for the Church; an actual sermon. (Endless celestial sex goes completely unmentioned, by the way.) I don’t know. It’s all for fun.
“It’s all for fun”. I believe I may have said this in another review, but when I reach that conclusion, you know you have a good movie on your hands. It’s not harmless, but it’s not harmful either. Indie movies, too, are also always kickass, no matter how shitty they are or how blatant they are in trying to sell some sort of message. (The message remains a mystery.)
So, I guess you can see it. It may brighten your Easter, and it may not. I’m just saying it’s here. And I would like to say, then, on behalf of the Liberal Dead—Happy Easter, people. We hope we’ve candy-coated your delicious brains sufficiently.