Hey there, unwashed masses. I figured that since I am cooler than you, and know far more about the things you love than you do, I’d drop some knowledge on you, and clue you into some true underground gems that you rarely see people discussing. Being an expert on so many things is so tiring, that I scarcely get the opportunity to contribute anything myself, so I thought I’d just take a few minutes out of my day, and clue you in on some true genre masterpieces, that you’ve never even heard of.
1. Friday the 13th.
I’m genuinely shocked that I don’t hear more people mention this one. It has everything you need from a slasher film. You have thirty somethings portraying promiscuous teens at a summer camp in the woods, drinking, smoking pot and doing things 30 year old teens do in the nude. You also have a strong “Whodunit” element, making the reveal of the killer a genuine shock. You would think, a bloody slasher movie with special effects by Tom Savini, and Kevin Bacon taking a spear through the neck would be a more popular film. Hopefully, once people learn about it due to my sheer brilliance, it will catch on, and get the attention that it deserves.
2. A Nightmare On Elm Street
I know you’ve never heard of A Nightmare On Elm Street, but you should have. Elm Street has everything that made Friday the 13th such a great underrated classic, minus the summer camp, but it also adds an element of the supernatural to make things interesting. These 30 year old teenagers aren’t being stalked and killed by a psychopath. They’re being stalked by the spirit of a child murderer, and alleged pedophile, in their dreams! You read that right, they’re being picked off one by one by a man that haunts them while they sleep? Pretty cool, right? A Nightmare On Elm street is one of those films that, if it would have been more popular upon its release, it could have redefined the genre for a generation.
3. John Carpenter’s Halloween
I am a huge fan of John Carpenter, more than any of you! With Carpenter releasing some more popular films, such as Ghosts Of Mars and The Ward, it came as a shock to me that so few people are aware of his Halloween horror opus, featuring a wordless killer, that should have become a holiday icon. I’m at a loss that such a solid film, featuring the Academy Award nominated yogurt salesperson, and activist for proper bowel movements, Jamie Lee Curtis, never found popularity among genre fans. Perhaps when Curtis plays a cashier at a gas station, in 2016′s reboot of True Lies, some of her fans will revisit this classic, underseen holiday themed horror flick.
Another holiday themed horror picture, this time using X-Mas as a setting, Gremlins is one of those films that, had it found an audience when it was released, it could not only be a horror film that fans could enjoy once a year when that unremarkable holiday rolls around, but one they could enjoy with the entire family. Make no mistake, Gremlins is pretty gnarly for a PG rated film, but Gizmo(Mogwaii) is so cute, and even the monsters he spawns when fed after midnight and dunked in water are pretty effing cute. Personally, I do watch Gremlins once a year, and I pat myself on the back knowing that I am only one of five people in the world that performs this ritual.
5. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre
I can kind of understand, in a way, why the last entry on this list isn’t overly popular. Despite the gruesome title, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is virtually bloodless. Still, though, you’d think when people would browse the aisles of their local video stores, a business that is still booming, seeing a movie with this title would create within them, the same reaction that I had when first stumbling upon it. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre could have easily spawned a handful of sequels, and even a remake or three, had it ever caught on the way it should have. Sadly, the world will never know how awesome this movie was, and what could have followed.
Bonus Round! The Greatest Toy You Never Owned:
Who’s afraid of a ghost? Certainly not me, because I owned ALL of the Ghostbusters toys, even though they came out ten years before I was even born(Not really. Really. Not really). But, much like Obama’s family knew they had to plant a fake birth announcement in the newspaper when he was born, so that he could illegitimately assume the oval office later in life, my parents knew that their kid would be far cooler than all of the other kids, so they collected all of the important toys of that era, so that I could wax nostalgic about them in my twenties and thirties. Your parents didn’t think you were cool enough to buy you this Ghostbusters firehouse play set.