On Sunday night, the shortened version of this trailer premiered during The Walking Dead. If you caught the trailer online the next day, you would have seen that an extended cut would be released today (via text in the trailer). It’s a little annoying I guess, but I don’t think they would have had the commercial space to air a three minute trailer. If you thought the first cut was epic, wait till you watch this version. More sunflowers, more Sheppard, and more dope-ass music. I doubt any of the footage shown will be in the game, but it’s still a great way to get pumped for the release of Mass Effect 3. If you have not played the demo yet, you might want to go download it right away, it’s pretty great.

On February 17^th and 18^th, 2012, the London-Laurel Optimist Complex in small town, London, Kentucky, became a weekend getaway for rabid horror fans. Playing host to some truly legendary names of the horror and paranormal world, guests arrived in anticipation for the first ever Dead Winter Convention. Put together by Brian Sizemore and his wife Samantha Sizemore, Dead Winter Convention quickly became an unforgettable experience for all of those who made the trip.

Accompanied by close friend and Liberal Dead hype man Robert “Tater” Gutheridege, we made the two and half hour drive and arrived in London a day early. Being from small town eastern Kentucky, London felt just like home, only a lot friendlier. The next morning it was time to make our way to the London-Laurel Optimist Complex, we were not in the parking lot even ten minutes, when we had our first horror icon sighting. Parked directly across from us, was the infamous Jim O’Rear (Day of The Dead, The Deepening), and I knew instantly it was going to be a day full of nerd moments, where I would turn into a giggling schoolgirl.

Many horror icons attended including Alex Vincent (Childs Play 1&2), Victor Miller (Friday the 13^th), Ari Lehman (Friday the 13^th, First Jason), John Dugan (Texas Chainsaw Massacre), Tony Moran (Halloween), Daniel Emery Taylor (Return of Swamp Thing), Rodney Hall and Jeremy Ambler from The Walking Dead television series, and as mentioned above Jim O’Rear. Also in attendance from the world of the Paranormal were Flatline Paranormal, Dead People See Me, Crossover Paranormal, and an array of other investigators, whom each night of the convention also lead investigations of a local haunt.

Guest Mike Holman of Jackass fame had me laughing my ass off every time we passed his table. Always quick to start up a conversation, and insight some laughs in true Jackass fashion, Mike ended up being one of the coolest people we met at the convention. Could you imagine a Jackass convention? You’d have to sign a waiver at the door and wear a cup.

We were also able to finally catch up with the masterminds behind Girl Number Three, a film we here at The Liberal Dead really enjoyed by Nathan Thomas Milliner, and Herschel Zahnd. It was very interesting to hear Nathan talk about how him and Herschel first met, leading to the creation of Girl Number Three in movie form, and how originally the flick was to be filmed at Waverly Hills Sanitarium. They were also nice enough to slip us a copy of their newest short film “The Trimmer” which will be reviewed on The Liberal Dead very soon.

For a first year con, Dead Winter, truly had something for everyone, gaming tournaments, live music including two sets from Ari Lehman’s band First Jason, movie screenings, various seminars, ghost hunts, and escape performances from Aron Houdini, a man who brings great honor to the legendary name sake. Not to mention the chance for fans to come face to face and talk with their favorite celebrities.

Brian Sizemore, could be seen during the convention zipping around, meeting and greeting fans, making each and every person, who came through the doors feel as if they were walking into the home of an old friend. You can really tell the difference between conventions built on dreams of profit, and conventions built by those who authentically love the genre, and want to contribute to its legacy.

Each guest seemed hand picked based on friendly reputations, no matter which table you walked passed, those sitting behind it would go out of their way to make you feel welcomed. This made the entire experience, that much more unforgettable, and personal feeling. Honestly, it felt more like a family reunion, than a convention.

Overall, it was a great time, and Dead Winter Convention proved it is worthy of becoming a reoccurring event. Dead Winter gave fans exactly what they wanted and then some. I would like to take this time to thank Brian Sizemore for all the hard work and time he put into the event, for having The Liberal Dead, and for showing, that Kentucky loves its horror.

Also, I want to give some shout outs to Missy Gordon (Scares That Care), Bertena Varney (The Search for the Lure of the Vampire), The Little Shop of Horrors, Inspired Expressions, Troll and Toad, and of course the completely insane Circus Envy. I look forward to Dead Winter Con 2013, and highly recommend those who did not make it this year to make the trek, you will be presented with a very friendly atmosphere, chalk full of good old southern hospitality.

In a couple of weeks, Mass Effect 3 will be hitting store shelves. There is a good amount of pressure riding on the third entry because it is a follow up to one of the greatest games of this generation. Mass Effect 2 wowed audiences with its complex narrative and deep fiction. While there might be those who do not care for the franchise, you still have to respect the technical accomplishments that BioWare (the developer) has made with the series. Mass Effect 2 is not perfect, the mining sequences are tedious and felt mechanical compared to the seamless narrative; and the combat, while enjoyable, is not the best part of the game. My love for Mass Effect comes from the deep character development and how my companions react to the choices I’ve made in the game. The fiction is engrossing as well, not since the Elder Scrolls games have I cared about the history of the universe or the background of each race. I have filled my head with so much Mass Effect mythos that I am almost ashamed of how much time I have invested in it; but hey, I have my hobbies.

Over the past week the Mass Effect 3 demo was released on the Playstation Network and I was finally able to get my hands on it. I was timid at first, so many things I heard about Mass Effect 3 were making me nervous (i.e. multiplayer, the script leaking). Not that I am against a multiplayer component but I was afraid that BioWare would lose track of what makes the Mass Effect experience so wonderful. All of these fears are not based on anything factual, so I was able to separate myself from my worries and trust in the team to do a smash-up job. Not that I can fully analyze a product before its release, but after playing the demo, I believe that BioWare still knows what is important to their audience.

The Mass Effect 3 demo starts with Sheppard (male or female) back on earth. Sheppard is awaiting his trial after his actions in Mass Effect 2 and has been stripped of his rank. Things go badly as the Reapers appear and begin wreaking havoc on earth. The council is mostly killed in the attack and you (the player) have to get Sheppard off the planet, alive. You fight through Husks and other Reaper-enemies as you make your way to the lift zone. That is the first part of the demo. The second part drops you into a mission later in the game where you are required to save a female Krogan. Wrex (yes, he is back) and Garrus team up with you to get the female to safety as a Cerberus team tries to stop/kill you. That is all I will say about that because I don’t want to ruin anything for you.

The demo featured many of the same elements that were in Mass Effect 2 in terms of gameplay and interface. The dialogue wheel is still there and you make Paragon and Renegade choices just the past entries. Leveling up is mostly the same but some new powers have been added to create more choices during combat. The demo felt very similar to its predecessor in many ways (even the pause screen is unchanged) but there have been some wonderful improvements.

Sheppard can roll now, yep. Double tap the RUN button (X or A) and push in the direction you want to roll. This allows for the player to get out of some of the hairier situations without having to hold your breath. A new melee option has been added in which you hold the MELEE button and Sheppard’s arm becomes digital blade from the Omi-Tool. This is an improvement over smacking an enemy with your fist, but you are hardly that close to really need it in combat. The shooting mechanics have been overhauled and the firing feels less inconsistent and more accurate. The guns also sound better and have an added “oomph” when pulling the trigger. Speaking of sound design, the score and the FX sound ten times better than in 2. While the music has always been a favorite aspect of mine in the series, the soundtrack in the demo felt fuller and more pronounced. The graphics have been filled out as well. The areas in the demo look familiar in construction but a level of detail has been added that gives the locations more volume. Med Kits look thick and the weapons look heavy, the demo added a sense of weight to the world that felt absent in the other titles. Alas, the film grain is gone but it is surpassed by bigger backdrops and richer environments, but that’s alright, I guess. One other added feature would be a choice you make in the beginning; you can choose to play through the story in three different modes 1.) Action mode: which is combat focused and you don’t choose the dialogue options, 2.) RPG Mode: which is the normal Mass Effect experience, and 3.) Story Mode: which will have minimal combat and manual dialogue replies. I can’t say that I would experiment much with the Action or Story mode, but it helps to be accessible to those who are not well versed in Mass Effect.

I walked away from the demo feeling extremely satisfied with what BioWare has in store for the full game. Of course, I can’t make assumptions on a game from just a demo but it seems that everything is in the right place and the added features are not something that ruins the gameplay. I suggest that everyone gives this demo a shot, it throws the player into the universe like an uncontrollable train but it helps you pick up the gameplay at an easy pace. I can’t wait to save Earth.

I’ve been hearing about the film Dear God No for nearly a year now. I don’t like to read reviews of films I’m interested in seeing for myself, so most of what I’ve read has been about journalist interaction with the creative team behind the flick at various festivals. Quite the motley crew, from what I hear. The film itself, I’ve always assumed, was a throwback to motorcycle gang exploitation films from the 70s. In a way perhaps, but as a whole, I feel as if my assumptions were way off. My initial reaction, as I shared with my Facebook friends directly after viewing the flick was, this is what you would get if a sasquatch swallowed every exploitation film ever made, and took a huge bloody dump in your face while you tripped balls. That was my first thought at the end of my viewing experience, and I find it to be an accurate recollection of the bat-shit insanity that awaits you.

It’s hard to construct a “grindhouse” film in this day and age. Exploitation films were made to, well, exploit certain elements of society that were deemed too “taboo” for mainstream film. Society has changed so much since then; most of these taboos no longer exist. You can now see a film that displays graphic violence and aberrant sexuality, in the same theater that you can catch the latest 3D kid’s movie. Films are a product of their environment, even if it’s subconsciously. George Romero didn’t make Night of the Living Dead to take a stand against racism, despite what Romero fanboys would have you believe, but that doesn’t mean that the subject matter didn’t bleed through his writing of the script. Racism, while racism is still very much an issue in today’s society, was far more prevalent in the late 60s when NOTLD was produced. You may look at a film like They Live, and write it off as a cheesy sci-fi action movie, and while that’s partially true, you could tell that John Carpenter was not happy about the political environment of the 1980s. What I’m trying to get at here, is that a filmmaker’s environment plays a role in the final product. If you try to recreate a film, or type of film that was popular in previous decades, it’s very easy to come off as phony. It takes real talent to craft something that feels genuine.

While I personally enjoyed Dear God No, it’s sort of a mixed bag. Certain aspects of the film feel like a genuine homage to the heyday of exploitation filmmaking. The problem is, so many different types of exploitation films were squeezed into one 90 minute sleaze flick that it begins to feel a bit disjointed. Those of you going into Dear God No expecting a film about a motorcycle gang, travelling across the country raping and pillaging, will only be half satisfied. That being said, if you’re going into your viewing expecting random insanity, you’ll probably like what you see. Never before have I seen motorcycles, strippers, zombies, Nazis, black magic, and Bigfoot under the same roof. It becomes a bit overwhelming, if I’m being honest. When you feel like you’ve caught your breath, and finally figured out what’s going on and what might happen next, something even more random occurs, and reminds you that you have no idea what you’re watching. It almost feels like an endurance test. Your enjoyment of the film may very well depend on the amount of random insanity that you have the ability to consume in one sitting.

I don’t think anyone is under the impression that Dear God No will be blowing up the box office, and taking in cash at multiplexes across the country. It has gathered quite a bit of buzz behind it though. I think that the audience that has been anticipating this film is going to be split. There are going to be some of you that will really enjoy it for the sheer amount of insanity. On the other side of the coin, I think some of you are going to be disappointed. At the very least, there are going to be some of you that were expecting something entirely different. One thing is for sure, Dear God No definitely stands out as a bright star in the sea of shit that has become the faux “grindhouse” genre of film. It’s certainly not for everybody, but it knows its audience, and plays to them like a fiddle. If you think you have the stomach for what this film has to offer, I would highly recommend seeking it out once it becomes available for all to consume. I hope I’ve given you a taste of what you can expect, without ruining too much of the experience. I’m not so sure I would recommend the consumption of hallucinogens prior to sitting down with this one, though. But, it’s your brain. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

******½~~~ (6.5/10)

I’m fairly certain that when you think actors in blaxploitation cinema, Dan Akroyd doesn’t top the list of performers to excel in the genre.  For one, he’s not black. Furthermore, he doesn’t fit the role of the heroic African American man or woman who is trying to seek vengeance, fight crime or afford justice to a group of downtrodden individuals. And even further, Akroyd is a nerd. Yes, I said it. The man is one great big nerd pants.  Hardly befitting of the kind of hero portrayed in blax films of the 1970’s, but one film crossed over the border between blaxploitation and fish out of water comedy in the early 80’s. That film is about a man with an M.D. from the north shore of Michigan. Say Hello to Doctor Detroit.

Doctor Detroit released in 1983 is the story of Clifford Skridlow (Dan Akroyd), a college professor who has a chance encounter with several ladies of the night (including Fran Drescher) and finds himself embroiled in a battle for power among the warring factions of the seedy underbelly of Chicago. Skridlow is forced to assume a duel role as professor at a local college and the mad physician, Doctor Detroit, to save the prostitutes to which he has become endeared and fight the forces of Mom, a template for the matriarch of the Fratelli family in Goonies, Chicago’s ruling crime boss.

I’m sure the formation of Doctor Detroit wasn’t formed as a nod to the blaxploitation cinema and simply came out of some of the common stereotypes of the 1970’s night life and criminal underground. The writers and director have no history of writing anything in this genre and whose other works include a Bad News Bears sequel, Splash and one appearance as an actor in Jaws.  While Akroyd himself was a fan of the Chicago blues as is blatantly obvious by his role as Elwood Blues, he hadn’t starred in any movies of this genre either. So how does a movie without a blaxploiation regular in the cast or credit and whose was not created as a piece of blaxploitation cinema which had become somewhat formulaic by the 1980’s transcend the genre barrier?

While Doctor Detroit won’t immediately strike you has having anything to do with the blax films of the 70’s there are moments where Doctor Detroit clearly draws from and nearly becomes this type of movie. For one, Akroyd is not your average hero. He is transformed into a hero by circumstances beyond his control after assuming control of a group of prostitutes from their cowardly pimp.  While I think one can hardly say that Skridlow assumes the full on role of a pimp himself, he clearly displays the leadership quality that provides the opportunity for the seemingly oppressed group of prostitutes to leave their current career choice and make better lives for themselves. While Akroyd himself is not black, he assumes a role that would traditionally be played by black man done so for the comedic effect of watching Akroyd struggle in a common role in blaxploitation cinema; the fish out of water.  Is it really so hard to believe that Akroyd was drawn to this type of role given that in 1983 Trading Places would be released where Akroyd and Eddie Murphy would swap somewhat stereotypical roles to comedic affect?

Doctor Detroit himself is an eccentric amalgamation of Skridlow’s conception of the Chicago’s criminal mind. I’m not sure that you would call Skridlow’s outfit as Doctor Detroit pimp, but more of a hybrid pimp/PCP induced wardrobe. He speaks with his own unique inflection, mixing high brow verbiage with low brow insults.  He’s not afraid to tell Mom that he’s going to rip off her head and shit down her neck, but he’ll also give you a long winded rant about his prowess as a medical doctor while smashing glasses with a metal gloved hand.  After all, he adjusts the human spine.

Detroit ain’t the only one getting in on the crossover action.  Smooth Walker played by Howard Hesseman of Who’s the Class fame is the pimp from which Skridlow “inherits” his duty as protector of the prostitute flock when he plays a con to get himself out of trouble with Mom.  I’d just like to point out that Smooth Walker is an excellent name for a character, genre specific or not.  His role as the cowardly pimp is pretty darn funny and will be a shoe in favorite for fans of early 80’s comedies of this type.  We also have an appearance by James Brown in a cameo live performance role (also in the Blues Brothers) further endears this film to our beloved blax genre.  He performs the theme song for the movie “Get Up Offa that Thing/Doctor Detroit”, a classic piece of funk/James Brown music. The soundtrack is available… somewhere! This one also features dork favorite, Devo doing the song “The Theme from Doctor Detroit” and T.K. Carter performing alongside Dan Akroyd doing “Yo Skridlow”.

Live performance from Doctor Detroit featuring James Brown, the transformation by Dan Akroyd into the Doctor and a dance floor of people doing a dance that you may have never seen before:

Doctor Detroit’s transformation scene and a fine performance by T.K Carter and the illustrious Smooth Walker:

Please mind the audio sync. Trailer with Dan Akroyd Intro. Define funny… Dan Akroyd playing Dr. Zchivago:

T.K. Carter ‘s performance as Diavolo Washington encapsulates some traditional values of the roles portrayed in blaxploitation films of the 70’s. While he made appearances in Good Times and the Jefferson’s prior to showing up in Dr. Detroit, we horror nuts know him fondly as Nauls from Carpenter’s the Thing.  As Washington, Carter under goes the transition from a man forced into a less than upstanding employment into a co-hero alongside Skridlow, helping to save their prostitute friends from a life of crime. He’s just a funny guy all around and plays on some jive talkin’ stereotypes to create some comedic moments.

If anything my analysis of Doctor Detroit as a genre piece relating back to the golden age of blaxploitation cinema is revisionist dribble and should be ignored, but is it really so hard to believe that the effect that Doctor Detroit conveys isn’t the same as Foxy Brown?  Does the focus on funk music, the struggle of prostitutes against forces they cannot control, doctors although not necessarily true M.D. and probably more suited to the delineation of Doctor of Soul and the search for identity outside of traditional roles really differ so far from the formula in most films of this genre? It might be best to describe as a crossover blaxploitation film. It’s something those crazy kids were doing in the 1980’s; successful genres of the 70’s such as Kung Fu-exploitation, blax films and even films exploiting veterans returning from war were made legitimate or turned into comedies to reap the financial benefit of the previous decade’s success. This may be the whitest blaxploitation film you know.  The film was considered a box office flop, but I’d say that it was failed marketing and not realizing that it was a blaxploitation comedy. We’re still waiting for Doctor Detroit II: The Wrath of Mom as has been promised us.

How many versions of Robert Louis Stevenson’s classic The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde have been released on film?  It’s an astounding number at 123 film versions. It may not be quite as many as Dracula or Frankenstein, but it’s in the running if not right on their cape tails. Each age of in horror history attempts to lay its own claim to this tale of chemistry meets the modern scientific man meets the MONSTER.  Who of us can forget Frederic March with his near pompadour hairstyle slightly hunched over with eyebrows all-a-caterpillar? How about Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde; that was Hammer getting cheeky with all of us who had decided that simply redoing Universal horror stories wasn’t good enough in 1971. So what happened between 1886 when Stevenson first unleashed his epic literary tale and the 1970’s when Dr. Jekyll became Dr. Black and the symbolism that encapsulated the character of Hyde transformed into a more racially charged subtext. Only William Crain knows for sure.

Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde was released in 1976 during an age where Blaxploitation cinema was flourishing. After the success of Blacula which had also been directed by Crain, American International Pictures green lit this take on the Stevenson source reference but with some updates. First of all, Dr. Jekyll had a new name, Dr. Henry Pryde, and the historically Caucasian actors that played him were traded in for Bernie Casey, an African American actor who would later help out a few nerds get a fraternity sponsor and teach a couple future rock stars a lesson in history (whoa!).  He had starred in an early  Blaxploitation genre classic, Cleopatra Jones but can also be found in the classic film, Cornbread, Early and Me.

And so the story goes…

Dr. Henry Pryde is attempting to discover a medicinal cure for cirrhosis affected and damaged livers. His work yields some positive results in laboratory rats, but with a couple minor side effects. Upon being exposed to the test remedy the rats not only turn from dark colored to albino white, but also become increasingly aggressive. While this result doesn’t go unnoticed by Dr. Pryde, his desire to see his experiment tested out on humans gets the better of him and he begins with its first human trial… on himself. After taking the test drug he transforms into an aggressive, monstrous man who just happens to have white hair, eyes that have the appearance of cataracts and whitened skin.  Dr. Pryde becomes the Blaxploitation version of Hyde, a devious, madman who feeds on his own power… oh and he’s white. That transformation and a few pieces of choice dialogue set the stage for interracial commentary for which the Blax genre is famous.

Stranger things have happened—but that does not stop this from being pure weird! Chester Novell Turner cannot be stopped either. The future was still beckoning him into Tales from the Quadead Zone when he decided to start work on Black Devil Doll from Hell—a bizarrely ordinary story of corruption, death, and puppetry. Wholly fascinating and ironically irresistible, Black Devil Doll is supremely hated—but why?

Helen Black (Quadead Zone‘s Shirley L. Jones) is a God-fearing Christian who decides to buy a puppet from a thrift store. Little does she know that it contains the evil spirit of an East Indian magician, and is thus the Black Devil Doll from Hell! The Black Devil Doll grants the heart-felt wish of its owner, and in Helen’s case it turns out all that God stuff was bull, and she just wanted to get laid! So the Doll hilariously and freakishly abuses her into an orgasm, with lines like, “Now that you have smelt the foulness of my breath…you can taste the sweetness of my tongue!” His dialogue is interspersed with copious uses of the word “bitch”, as well, which doesn’t really add any horror, much less eroticism. Like he has before with his previous owners, he abandons Helen while she sleeps, and she realizes that she needs more. So she sleeps with a bunch of guys, though none that can satisfy her. She returns to the shop to pick up the doll again, but when she gets bitchy about him not screwing her, he kills her by giving her a nosebleed. Of course, he may live to screw again! Dun, dun…dun?

The mental implications presented by Black Devil Doll from Hell are intriguing. Certainly we’ve got anti-religious subtext present from Helen’s humble beginnings as a celibate Christian—who is corrupted not by flesh but by wood, something natural and yet not as close to God at flesh. She is being corrupted on a deeper and lower scale. That she can only find satisfaction with this seemingly-unliving thing may indicate some sort of necrophiliac ambition. What is more is that her tale of “falling” into a sexual lifestyle after being asexual for years is heavily mirrored in the course of puberty. Shirley’s puberty is delayed and that is why it has such a violent end—all those built up orgones just explode out of her head. The path she takes also mirrors that of fertility vs. impotence. We see that she has a large stuffed rabbit in her room—a fertility symbol in many cultures throughout the ages. Certainly the basis of Easter. The rabbit we later learn in animatronic, but it only turns on when the puppet gives Shirley the ax. Turns on…like an orgasm. The rabbit is fertile but the fertility activates upon Shirley’s death. It’s finality in death, totality in Thanatos—the infinite equation. Death and life, or perhaps, as Sons of Satan once said…“Life force to life force”.

Well played, Mister Turner. I get the impression you may not have known that putting both death and fucking into a film together makes said film ripe for psychoanalysis. I’m glad you were busy with other things. For example, the film is aptly named, being a purely black space. Caucasians do not appear, nor do they seem welcome; the dialogue is written purely laced with that elegant Blaxploitation touch. White people can get lost, because there’s no way they can get away with the lines Turner inserts. I’ve yet to see someone of my own race master the proper way to call someone a bitch, in the way that this movie accomplishes. Bravo.

I do not consider myself a connoisseur of Blaxploitation cinema, but I am a trashophile, and this film satisfies me on a trash scale. The blips in the tape, the shallow sound, the Casio soundtrack—they all fit. It’s a “been there, done that” sort of affair, honestly, but the Blaxploitation elements, suited to ’80s suburban black culture, help out the film. There’s a distinct feel of casualness settled in the exploitation, too, that helps it pack the punch it does.

Overall, Black Devil Doll from Hell does have the power to sustain itself and keeps it head above water, and it is epically weird, but it is relatively infamous as a plain bad film. I found it to have more life and more sentient psychology that Tales from the Quadead Zone, however, and that is a plus. So I’ll just say…screw it! Track it down and make a day of it.

Not many films develop the amount of hyperbole that surrounded The Human Centipede. Before the flick was even available to audiences, director Tom Six was touting it as one of the “sickest films of all time.” To be fair to Six, I think his intentions were pure. I think a lot of his theory relied on the fact that horror audiences still had an imagination. He also felt that he could exploit that fact, and leave some of the nastier aspects of the experience up to the audience to create in their own heads. This is a tactic that will work on some, but be lost on most. As expected, cries of the film being too tame, or “not going far enough” were prevalent among the reaction of most audiences, as well as critics. Apparently, the thought of people being sewn together, ass-to-mouth, and force-fed their respective fecal matter wasn’t enough for some viewers. No, these people were not going to be satisfied until they actually saw the shit exiting the ass and entering the mouth. This would become the nagging inspiration in the back of Tom Six’s head while crafting the sequel.

I’m not saying that Six set out to make a sequel, with his only intention being to up the ante. I’m just saying it was definitely a factor. When he began promoting the sequel, Six would refer to the first film as “My Little Pony” when compared to the sequel. I think Six was genuinely surprised that there were people out there that didn’t think of The Human Centipede of the sickest film they’d ever witnessed. All I can say is, welcome to America, Tom. We’re a sick bunch. We like our food fast, our women faster, and our horror gory, so I’m told. Personally, I can fully appreciate someone utilizing the audience’s imagination. We may not have a say in how the story ends, but we can decide how horrific the events were. Hell, if you can’t stomach the thought of someone consuming feces, imagine that it’s soft-serve ice-cream being transferred ass-to-mouth. All of that aside, HC2 does feel as if it has some artistic merit, more so than the first film, at the very least.

There’s been some controversy surrounding the various home video releases of the film. Some regions have been stuck with a cut version. Based on the information that was provided, the same was assumed of the US disc, despite being labeled an “unrated director’s cut”. I can report to you, that this is in fact a full, uncut presentation of the film. All notorious scenes are in-tact, and complete. I had planned on not purchasing this disc, as I’m sure some of you decided as well. Thankfully a review copy turned up in my mailbox. These types of confusing media releases are becoming common. A similar example would be the release of Paranormal Activity 3. Several different packages of the same film, being released a couple of weeks apart. And then, some mysterious “chronology” that could only be watched on VOD for 29.99(in HD). Companies need to cut the shit, and be more consistent in not only the products they release, but the information about said release that consumers need for making decisions.

The special features on the disc are nothing spectacular. The commentary is entertaining, of course, because Tom Six is an entertaining gentleman. The extra I was most looking forward was titled “Making The Poster”. I wanted to see how they crafted such a great teaser poster. Unfortunately, everything is censored, and very PG. It was more like a cast member was making home videos while photographing the posters, rather than providing any form of artistic insight. The “Set Tour Of Warehouse” was something I would like to have seen more of. The lone deleted scene in the package is a complete joke. It’s nothing more than a 10 second clip of lead character Martin, barking at a dog in a car. A wasted opportunity, I’m sure. Other than that, the rest of the extras are filler. Promo ads, teaser trailers, photo galleries, nothing exciting, unfortunately.

If you can look past the shocking lack of quality extras, the Blu Ray release of The Human Centipede Part II is well worth the current price of 14.99. Though, as some of you may know, these new releases have a tendency to drop significantly in price within a couple of weeks of release. I would predict a price of 9.99 within the next month. Despite the lack of features, as stated above this is the full uncut film. The video and audio quality are both top notch as well. If you’ve purchased other recent IFC titles on Blu Ray, such as Super, or Stake Land, you pretty much know what you get for the price of the package. It’s not as spectacular as one would hope, but it’s serviceable if you’re a fan of the film. The Human Centipede 2 Will Be released on February 14th, on both Blu Ray and DVD.

FILM
********½~ (8.5/10)

DISC
*******½~~ (7.5/10)

Chronicle’s trailer appealed to the comic book geek inside of me. Not only did it have “superheroes” but it was shot in the found-footage format. Found-footage is a style that I find effective in certain genres and I was curious to see how it worked in this context. Even with all my love for the found-footage films, I am beginning to feel a bit exhausted; I have seen Grave Encounters, Atrocious, Paranormal Activity 3, and Undocumented in less than half a year and my enthusiasm for the sub-genre has lessened. Chronicle pushed aside that fatigue for me though, the idea was fresh and I am baffled that no one has executed this premise sooner. Cloverfield mixed with X-Men is an altogether appetizing notion, but at the end of my viewing, I felt that maybe the Cloverfield part could have been removed. Chronicle creates some astounding scenes but it stumbles a few too many times with its use of found-footage.

Andrew Detmer (Dane DeHaan), a high school senior, decides that he wants to record his day-to-day activities to create a connection with the world. Andrew is an outcast and is harassed by many of the other kids in school; his father is an abusive alcoholic and part of the reason for Andrew’s filming is to have evidence of his father’s violent behavior. To make Andrew’s life even more difficult, his mother is dying and her medical bills are putting the family into financial debt. Andrew is close with his cousin, Matt (Alex Russell) who drives him to and from school every day. Matt is Andrew’s only friend, in his class and he loves to spit out philosophical lines any chance he gets. Matt takes Andrew to a barn-party one night and after getting into an altercation, Andrew stays outside on the lawn. A friend of Matts comes to retrieve Andrew, a class president-hopeful by the name of Steve Montgomery (Michael B. Jordan). Steve says that Matt and he have found something that needs recording and Andrew reluctantly follows him into the woods. Matt, Andrew, and Steve huddle around a hole in the ground that is sending out strange sounds. They go down the hole to find a glowing artifact/organism that reaches out to them. After encountering this alien-thing, the trio becomes empowered with the ability to use telepathy, and they learn how to use it more efficiently as the film progresses. But things go wrong as Andrew falls down the path of destruction and the other two have to find out how to stop him.

Director, Josh Trank has got a story going for him and the character’s diversity in personality allow for some interesting dynamics. These three are not all outcasts (to an extent), Andrew is the only one who truly has issues when it comes to dealing with people but Matt and Steve are popular in their own right. Max Landis, the son of John Landis, has written three unique and believable characters. Even if the dialogue is not as good as it could be, the actions that these three make are interesting and it adds something to the superhero genre. The downfall of Andrew, which you could surmise from the trailer, is justifiable and his entrance into the world of “villainy” is one of the better stories in recent fiction. Landis did not pull any punches; the film opens with Andrew’s drunken father beating on Andrew’s bedroom door, yelling for him to open it. We see a dying woman who wants for her son to be strong and we witness people shove Andrew to the lowest point that anyone can get to. As comical as the trailer makes Chronicle out to be, there are thematic qualities that are quite heavy, but it’s balanced well.

Chronicle was made for fifteen million dollars which makes it one of the most expensive found footage films to date. The effects, while well done in many parts, are very noticeable. Even with such a high budget for a found-footage film, it’s still a low budget film compared to everything else released in the superhero genre. At one point in the film, the three characters learn to fly and it’s not very well done. I squirmed a bit at how ineffective the effects were and felt removed from the experience. There were not enough of these moments though to ruin my time and there are some clever uses of the kid’s powers throughout the runtime. After winning in a school talent show, thanks to the main character’s telepathy, they are invited to a party. Andrew, who is now become respected, is invited to a game of beer pong. Of course, with having his powers, he destroys the other team(s). As you see in the trailer, Matt, Andrew, and Steve go to a mall and mess with a plethora of individuals there. This comic relief is much needed in a film that likes to go to some very dark places. These timid uses of effects were a way to save the big guns for the end. The last fifteen minutes takes place in downtown Seattle and features some of the best action scenes I have seen in awhile; it has cars being thrown like projectiles, cops being lifted in the air, and buildings becoming decimated. My mouth fell open and I was quivering with geek-delight by the spectacle I was witnessing. Even if the movie has rubbed you the wrong way, you have to stick it out for the end. I promise that it will amaze you.

My only qualm (aside from the at times, lackluster effects) that I have with Chronicle has really kept me from absolutely loving the film. Josh Trank really tried to create something special with the found-footage style but I think it was a poor choice. It starts off well enough but as the film becomes bigger in scope and as the kids learn more powerful moves, the found footage feels like it’s not keeping up with everything else. I can understand that there were budgetary reasons to making this found-footage, but this is not a film that benefited from characters dragging cameras everywhere. Andrew eventually learns how to make the camera levitate around him, turning the shaky cam into something that feels closer to a “real film”. At this point, the whole idea of found footage just seems silly because it’s abandoned. Chronicle would have made a better film if it were not shot in the found-footage style because more could have been done with the story and it wouldn’t have felt so hampered.

Chronicle is an achievement on many levels but the found-footage style creates more of a hindrance than a benefit. I walked out of the theater feeling a bit torn over how I felt about my experience. I knew that I liked it but I didn’t know how far my love went for the film. After doing some thinking, I came to the conclusion that yes, while the found-footage style and the effects were unreliable at times, Chronicle delivered some great moments. I hope that Trank makes a sequel and one that abandons the hand-camera. Chronicle’s story makes this film a cut above the rest, even when it stumbles a bit.

*******~~~ (7/10)

Trippin’ is a horror/comedy hybrid much in vein of Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil, from writer/director Devi Snively and Camp Motion Pictures. Six friends take a road trip to a remote cabin in the woods, looking forward to a weekend of sex, drugs, and miscellaneous mayhem. One year later, the sole survivor of said trip, runs into Devi Snively in a bar, offering to sell the rights of the story for the price of being in the film and a case of beer.

Lately there has been an onslaught of well-done horror/comedy hybrids coming out of the woodwork. It seems as if my two favorite sub genres, are quickly becoming the flavor of the month, anthologies, and campy comedy horror films, seem to be making a huge comeback.

Fans of Kevin Smith style, natural sounding dialog, and stoner humor, are going to instantly fall in love with Trippin’, there is no doubt about the target audience of this flick. Best viewed in a room covered with a dense cloud of smoke, Trippin’ is a cleverly constructed dark comedy, that never lets up, constantly causing uncontrollable attacks of laughter. Blended perfectly with fair amounts of 80s style splatter gore, the film perfectly captures the best of both genres.

Each of the characters are highly believable, I spent a good hunk of the movie thinking to myself, hey, that guy reminds me of such and such from high school. As I said before, the dialog is also very authentic, if you grew up in this sort of circle of friends, you will frequently find yourself falling victim to a case of déjà vu. I am really looking forward to future films from Devi Snively; I have a feeling she is going to be a director to keep your eyes out for.

If you find yourself in a room full of friends, looking to share a night of campy horror laughs, toss in a copy of Trippin’ and prepare for a successful night of fun. I believe many fans of drug exploitation films, and low budget horror will find Trippin’ to be a nice little hidden gem. I had a lot of fun with this movie, and viewed it with a like-minded friend, ending in a lot of laughs and an overall good time.

Do you remember a time when television stations would go off the air? The National Anthem would play and then white noise or test pattern bars would flash across the screen with your local station call sign. In a time before the 24 hour news cycle, television had its limitations, and those limitations were gradually broken by the ever increasing popularity of the Late Show and the Late Late Show and to a comedic extent, the Late Late Late Show. Well Troma has taken on cable television in all its syndicated, re-run driven, 24 hour feel by including a programming announcement and late night TV bumper on its release of Father’s Day. Get ready to feel as retro as a movie is supposed to make you feel.

The basic premise of Father’s Day follows a vengeful son, Ahab (Adam Brooks), who is determined to bring to Justice Chris Fuchman (Mackenzie Murdock) who is more infamously known as the Father’s Day Killer. Ahab joined by Twink (yes… Twink) and a rather determined priest, Father John Sullivan (Matthew Kennedy) will seek out and save the city from the deviously, lecherous ways of FDK. Lock up your fathers!… or anyone with an anus.

From the outset Father’s Day pokes you in the chest and let’s you know you’re about to watch a movie that is supposed to come straight out of the golden age of VHS driven video entertainment with its synthesizer laden score and characters dressed in vintage clothes. I liken the effect to grabbing with both hands from films like Creepshow (ironic since Creepshow includes a segment named Father’s Day) and maybe Nightmare in a Damaged Brain. Everything from the vague resemblance to a certain Tom Atkins character to the over the top, near comic book violence takes you back to the early days of Troma… you know, when Kaufman’s brother directed Mother’s Day?  While the film pays homage to a time when latex was king, the distinct blue and red lighting and framing of shots seems to pull from Argento ala Suspiria in the late 70’s. Did you miss that Ahab is running around with an eye patch and might as well be delivering throaty Snake Pliskin dialogue? Father’s Day is a film for horror movie fans made by horror movie fans who know a thing or two about what will catch your eye (this is absolutely not a pun based around Ahab’s eyepatch).

Troma movies are nearly always set in a world that has the flavor of the seedy underbelly of New York City in the 1980’s if not a near post-apocalypse that will ensue shortly after the credits roll. Father’s Day is no different. From strip clubs to secluded priest’s quarters you know you’re in some demented version of Tromaville even if it’s outside the city limits.

As in all Troma movies, gratuity is currency.  I have two words for you: ANAL RAPE. Did everyone grab their butt? Good. With graphic depictions of forced butt sex perpetrated on men, one can ensure a discomforting viewing experience. The audience can pretty much assume that if they cannot handle Edward Norton in prison during American History X they might as well skip this picture. Personally this movie forced me to ask myself why watching men ass raped was more tolerable than say watching Camille Keaton in I Spit on Your Grave. What is it that let me laugh at Father’s Day but had me twitching in my seat at Thriller? Well it’s probably the exceptionally strange look of a blood covered man butt combined with sound effects that are more suggestive of an obscene phone caller rather than a sexual criminal. You’re meant to laugh at Father’s Day, but if the added bonus of keeping men out of prison occurs well… then Adam Brooks has made a rather gory public service announcement. I’m not sure why anal rape was the modus operandi for the FDK, but this movie has one or two things that just don’t make sense.

Submitted for your perusal the definition of Non Sequitur: “an abrupt, illogical, unexpected or absurd turn of plot or dialogue not normally associated with or appropriate to that preceding it”.  Why does Ahab have an affinity for maple syrup that is clearly put in the forefront of his character development? I’m sure it’s supposed to be humorous, but it’s actually the only thing that left me raw about the entire movie. Here’s your early 80’s retro flick with a bunch of blood and violence, boobs, boobs, boobs and maple friggin’ syrup? The only way that maple syrup ends up logically in a Troma movie is if the killer is a maple tree and it’s just been slashed with a Samurai sword and is bleeding, screaming its death rattle and pancakes everywhere look on in awe as they are prepared to be eaten. So Non Sequitur… agreed?

The Father’s Day Killer comes off as a stunt double playing the deformed Junior from the 1980 classic The Unseen. I find this wholly pleasant. Intentional or not it works and makes the viewer feel dirty. Real dirty and uncomfortable (and you thought we were done making you feel dirty). It’s the same play on deformation and overzealous use of retardation that Edgar Wright used for at least one character in his faux trailer for Don’t which tries to capture the same look and feel that Father’s Day captures. Also, a priest making prophecies and yelling orders from a bed with cataracts that are suppose to be spiritually altered eyes is a shoe in for a reference to The Prince of Darkness or perhaps the Beyond.

You know that this type of flick won’t appeal to just everyone. Some people cannot enjoy a Troma flick. I’m still amazed that such a widespread audience was able to get behind a movie like Human Centipede with all its body related antics. So I figured out a new way to review Troma movies. We provide a section that is specific labeled for Troma fans and a section that is purely written for non-Troma fans who might want to know the finer points of the film (read that the “good parts”) but are not sure if there’s enough in a Troma movie to keep their brains active . The review for Troma fans will be for individuals more likely to watch movies like Father’s Day and for who the review is purely without spoilers. These are people who get their asses in the seats and give Lloyd Kaufman and crew some dough to fight the good fight for the independents. On the other side of the penny, I don’t want to discourage non-Troma folks from seeing it because I said the word “penis” too many times.

FOR THE TROMA FANS (No spoilers because you’re definitely going to handover your hard earned money to Troma):

This movie includes pretty much everything you’ve come to expect from Troma. You get the gallons of blood and gore with a generous helping of topless females and Lloyd Kaufman in the role of Devil/God. Father’s Day will give you something to scare your parents and/or dates out of asking you what kind of things you are interested in. They simply will assume the worst and wait for the phone call from prison.  It’s not as over the top as Tromeo and Juliet or as endearing as the Toxic Avenger, but the Father’s Day Killer definitely puts another moderate taboo on the table to spoil your innocent little minds. If you enjoy this film I also strongly encourage you to watch The Taint, Troma’s newest property acquisition. It has a similar feel and similar helping of dick.

NON-TROMA FANS (or really just those less inspired by the attributes of Troma films that aren’t sure if they want to spend their hard earned money on hookers (in or outside of a trunk), blow or video games):

This film has a strip club massacre that will make you laugh until you mess your pants. It includes one of the best chainsaw kills in recently memory that smells, subtly of Evil Dead II (if hinting subtly at Evil Dead II is remotely possible). You’ll experience classic 80’s style karate training sequences that will have you thinking Chuck Norris acted as a consultant for the film or at the very least Ralph Macchio. Some of the pyro related special effects fall flat because their imitating an antiquated style of burning folks alive through use of strangely overlapping fire and burn victim footage, but it works to the retro style of the film even though it was probably done to save a buck or two. As previously stated, there’s loads of ass rape. Lots a’ cock and balls. Be prepared to shield your young ones’ eyes. Not for the faint of heart or exceptionally horny. You might even feel that toward the ending you are watching a tribute to Fulci’s City of the Living Dead. If you feel this way, you are not alone and may take comfort in the fact that some other dork felt the same way even if the filmmakers had no intention of giving Fulci a reach around. You may also feel that this movie comes off as Dead Alive Lite toward the end.  Again, totally normal, watch out for hairy palms.

Spoiler free zone has been restored in 3…2….1…

Astron-6 (the company that made Father’s Day that makes us think Vestron… just a little) has put out a delightful picture that should offend you at every turn but in that cheesy way that a Troma film demands of itself. Be sure to check out Star Raiders which comes on after Father’s Day at least according to the line up in the fake commercial for the fake late late show. What you have here is a new holiday horror flick that gives us something to do in the middle of June while we’re wearing the ugly ties our kids bought for us. Our filmmakers also write, star in and do make up for the film which means its indy as all get out and gives them mucho street cred. If you like Troma movies than this will be right up your anus. If you don’t, you’ll probably fast forward through quite a few intimate scenes with man junk in them. Best bet is to see this flick in the theater so you can hear the generous helpings men yelling, “Ohhh!” when a dangling falice makes it way onto the screen.

The Aggression Scale will be premiering at the SXSW Festival this year in Austin and it’s looking to be a great home-invasion flick. This is the first time that I have heard anything about The Aggression Scale and the film stars many people who I have never heard of. There is one face you will recognize in the trailer though; Derek Mears plays a criminal and damn, does he still look scary without a mask. I can’t wait to see him stomp around a house with a loaded shotgun while beating the shit out of little kids. There is something that bothers me though, I don’t know if it was a stylistic choice, but the trailer lacks dialogue, which concerns me. Anytime dialogue is avoided, it never bodes well. But I’m still really digging this film; hope it’s amazing.

Anthologies are rather prevalent in the horror genre as of late, and by late, I mean in the past few years. Trick r’ Treat seemed to have ushered in an era of anthologies that tried to be similar to Creepshow in that they have all tried to create an image that is lasting. Though many disagree with me, I think Chillerama was competent for what it was trying to achieve. I don’t think it’s amazing or that it will be talked about years from now, but it was not a horrible addition to the sub-genre. Deadtime Stories was a miss but does anyone think that a film with Romero’s name attached with actually be good? So here we are with The Theatre Bizarre, a cheaply made anthology that combines the work of 7 directors (six stories, one connecting thread). Each director was given a set amount of money and was told to do whatever they wanted as long as it stuck to the rules of the connecting thread. That was their first mistake. The second mistake was having Severin Films release this messy piece of cinema.

The connecting narrative or the story that plays in-between the six films starts with a girl, named Enola, who is drawing on the walls in her apartment and generally looking insane. Across the way, there is a theater that looks rundown and dilapidated. The theater is a representation of the Grand Guignol Theatre in France which hosted macabre shows in the early to mid 1900s. This esoteric fact is the basis for the anthology and is interesting in concept, but I’ll talk about how that plays out. Anyways, the girl is beckoned by the theater and she leaves her apartment to make her way inside the run-down establishment. In the theater itself, there are mannequins in the seats and a man, who looks like a puppet, stand on stage. Peg Poett (the wonderful, Udo Kier), the puppet, begins to talk to the girl and starts his monologue about the horrors of the world. By doing this, he creates a connection between each short film, in which the macabre is brought into the light.

Mother of Toads

Directed by Richard Stanley (Hardware, Dust Devil)

“Mother of Toads” is about an American couple who are touring France. The husband, who is a Christian Bale wannabe, is an anthropology nerd with a knack for the supernatural. After buying some earrings from a gypsy woman, the couple is invited to her place so that she can show them a copy of the Necronomicon. This interests the husband far more than the wife (maybe they aren’t even married, it’s never made clear) and he ends up in the house, alone, with the gypsy woman who is far more demonic than one would think.

This section fails thanks to the flat acting given by all three main characters. Everything they say is robotic and laughable. The husband (or boyfriend) conveniently knows about every little symbol or statue that they come across and he delivers his lines like a character from PSONE game. The wife (OR GIRLFRIEND) is whiney and portrays herself as that typical, unhappy female partner. The entire segment consists of the two characters walking around aimlessly and being frightened by the presence of toads, yep, nothing more frightening than amphibians. To round things off, there’s a sex scene that had me laughing, but not in an enjoyable way. Let me also say that sexual deviance runs throughout the entire anthology. So, get use to that.

Mother of Toads: Skip

I Love You

Directed by Buddy Giovinazzo (Combat Shock)

“I Love You” takes place in Berlin, Germany and starts with a man collapsed on a bathroom floor whose hand has been slit open. He looks disheveled and unkempt, stumbling around his apartment, looking for a bottle of alcohol. On the street level, a woman sits in a car with a man and she tells him that she is only going up to get her things. The man remarks that her old boyfriend got into a fight last night and didn’t even know it. The woman once dated the mess of a man that lives in the apartment and has shown up today to cut the ties. As she enters the apartment, she explains the real reasons for leaving him, which drive him mad.

OK, listen. It’s one thing to have a children’s film like Hugo to have people in France speaking in English but it’s an annoyance when a horror film refuses to apply other languages. This may be a trivial thing but it’s unbelievable to have French/German people speaking in English with each other in a foreign setting. The man who plays Axel, the alcoholic, channels his inner Tommy Wiseau. Everything about this short felt like a bad nod to a bad movie (though The Room is rather amazing). Axel yells and gesticulates in such an over-dramatic way, that I just couldn’t believe that no one yelled “CUT” at any time. It doesn’t help that the dialogue is back and forth between an uninteresting couple with normal problems. At one point, the woman says, “Your penis and my vagina never liked each other”. What else is there to say?

I Love You: Skip

Wet Dreams

Directed by Tom Savini (You know who he is)

Hope sprang in my chest when seeing Savini’s name on the credits. I like him, as do most people, and he tends to be involved with some competent material. Well, while this is more of a watchable section than the last two, it still fails to deliver. The story is simplistic; a woman plans to get revenge on an abusive and dirt-bag husband. Savini plays a shrink who helps her in this process. That is all. In this sparse story, there is some of the best gore in the anthology and it surrounds the removing of a penis. One would expect nothing but the best in terms of graphic deaths and dismemberment in a Savini short, and that’s what you get.

Wet Dreams: Passive Watch

The Accident

Directed by Douglas Buck (Cutting Moments)

Halfway there and I was starting to get tired of this poorly crafted anthology, but out of the gloom, there appeared a light in the form of Douglas Buck’s contribution. This short is very short but it is the only one worth seeing out of the six films. It’s simple in its premise, revolving around a girl who is talking to her mother about death after they witnessed the death of motorcyclist in an accident. It’s slow and thought provoking with little “horror” involved. It was poetic in the way the girl came to grips with the idea of death and how she processes what it actually means to die. I was almost blown away by this gem and the serious/somber tone was a release from the poorly done humor in the last entries. Beautiful.

The Accident: MUST SEE!

Vision Stains

Directed by Karim Hussain (Subconscious Cruelty)

My spirits were lifted by the last short but that would not last long. The premise for this next section is interesting but the actual execution is a montage of egregious deaths. The protagonist, a woman, goes around killing other women in the streets who are drug addicts or look close to death, and before they actually die, she inserts a syringe into the eye of the victim, removing their thoughts. The idea is that you life flashes before your eyes as you are dying and this woman absorbs those memories with a syringe and injects it into her own eye, so that she can see those said memories.

“Vision Stains” relies on the theory that “nothing is original” or all thoughts are the same and lack any spark of originality. The “shoot-up” scenes with the syringes are taken right out of Requiem for a Dream and are more of rip-offs than honest nods. But the real problem is that it feels soulless and pointless, giving zero entertainment. Way to go, Karim.

Vision Stains: Pass

Sweets

Directed by David Gregory

HOLY FUCK! This film is two hour mind-rape. The last segment, which is tries to be more of a commentary in an abstract way, gets very close to doing so. What ruins this addition is that it is too weird for its own good and like most of the other shorts, it’s pointless. “Sweets” recounts the tale of a man and woman who are addicted to candy and other saccharine pleasures, but their relationship has come to a halt. The girl wants nothing to do with her Jonah Hill looking boyfriend, and needs space. Little does he know that he is part of a bigger, more devious plan.

This is essentially a piece on addiction and the consequences it has on your personality and friendships. If you were to take out the sweets in this section and replaced it with say, heroin, then you would have something that made a bit more sense. It may be alluding to heroin in the short but I guess everyone thought it would be more bizarre with “sweets.” Whatever.

Sweets: Pass

The Theatre Bizarre is most certainly bizarre but it forgets to be entertaining, meaningful, and cohesive. There are practical effects done exclusively in the film and some of the kills and dismemberments are well done. Oddly, the film discusses sex in a way that makes me think that none of these guys have ever had sexual intercourse (a joke). The presentation is messy and the connecting thread makes little sense about anything, leaving the viewer feeling apathetic. If they would have focused on three or four sections, maybe this would have been better. The Theatre Bizarre does not make any significant comments or observations (except in “The Accident”), and your close to two hour experience feels pointless. Sorry.

**~~~~~~~~ (2/10)

Welcome to the first edition of DEADMAIL! I discuss shock horror, The Woman, and The Evil Dead remake. Also, the winner of the poster is announced!

I have to admit that i have had mixed feelings about the most unlikely of remakes ‘The Woman In Black’ but overall i thought it had the potential to be a gloomy and moody creepfest with georgeous scenery galore. What the film ended up doing for me was to test my endurance in trying to stay awake in a dark theatre for 95 mins.

‘The Woman In Black’ tells the tale of a single father at the height of hard times. He is not getting work at the firm and his bills are becoming overdue. Therefore when a job offer from his firm to go and settle the affairs of a mansion by simply gathering and organizing and going through all the documents on the premises he is all to happy to do so. He is shunned by the townsfolk and warned repeatedly to leave town, and not to go to the house. But of course he doesnt listen and goes anyway. He arrives at the old house and sets out to get to work, though (as you might have guessed) he is in for a whole lot more than sorting through some documents.

First lets start with the positive points, or what few i thought there were. The first thing (and probably the best part of the film in my opinion) is the brilliant and georgeous scenery that is perfectly spot on to catch the period of the film. Every detail of the set design, costumes and even furniture is treated with such precise care and perfection that you almost feel like you have traveled back in time. I also felt the ending helped the film. I obviously wont go into any more detail than that. Every horror fan knows that the ending of a film can take it any which way. It can make the film, destroy the film, or even do nothing to affect your feelings on the overall film. While the ending of ‘The Woman In Black’ was one of the things in its favor, it still wasnt anything nearly memorable enough to completely change your perspective on the film overall. Daniel Radcliffe also did a pretty good job in the lead role. Though nothing exceptional or ‘Oscar worthy’ he did a decent job.

As far as the bad, the thing that hurts this film the most is how incredibly slow it is. It just drags along, and seems never to pick up any momentum. The majority of the film is Radcliffe walking around this house, which results in him walking in the dark and little cheap scares being thrown at the viewer. You know all the favorites, a rocking chair rocking with no one in it. Little windup toys coming to life, and lets not forget the classic ‘there is someone behind them, then they turn but the person is gone.’

Unfortunately what this film lacks in being slow paced, quiet and just flat our boring, it doesnt make up for with even a morsel of originality. Aside from the beautiful scenery and set/costume desings, the film is not worth the time or money. If you see it on tv one night and have nothing better to do, then sure. But i personally wouldnt put this on the priority list if you have a number of other films you are trying to catch aswell.

***½~~~~~~ (3.5/10)

The new ‘Found Footage’ series ‘The River’ from Oren Peli (the writer and director of Paranormal Activity) and the ever infamous Steven Speilberg (who seems to be really jumping into the TV game in a big way over the last year) is actually a surprisingly fun and creepy adventure down into the depths of nowhere. If you are a fan of the creepy found footage style used in Paranormal Activity so effectively i would highly reccomend at least giving the two hour premiere a shot. You might just be very pleasantly surprised with what you see.

After a famous TV adventure host and family man goes missing on one of his journeys, they dispatch a search team to find him and his missing crew. After six months with no sign they call off the search. Yet his wife, son and a television crew refuse to give up hope. After a personal beacon is activated in the middle of nowhere down a deserted river, they venture out to discover the truth of what happened, and reunite their family. The series is played off in the full ‘Found Footage’ vibe, even beginning with a note informing viewers that ‘the footage that follows is the documentation footage of the crew that went looking for them.’ As the team ventures into the river they immediately find the source beacon in a bloody cage underwater, but naturally with no sign of anybody. From there they go in search of the missing crew, starting with tracking down the boat that went missing along with them. After that, lets just say the fun begins.

The show pulls off the found footage vibe flawlessly, though that isnt too much of a surprise considering it was co-created by the writer and director of the first Paranormal Activity film. The pacing hardly ever slows. The show also picks up surprisingly quick from the get go, especially considering it is the pilot so it’s necessary to establish the story and the characters aswell. The cast is largely filled by unknowns, aside from Bruce Greenwood and a couple other familiar faces. The show seems to jump to various aspects of the weird and creepy, which leads the viewer to believe that there is far more than just one creepy thing going on out here. From spirits and symbols to a tree covered in dirty and creepy childrens’ dolls tied around the branches and base, aswell as people being grabbed by a hand reaching out from a one inch puddle of water. Without giving too much away i think its safe to say that based on the premiere, this show has real promise.

So in short, if you are a horror fan, especially of the found footage genre, i highly recommend checking out the two hour premiere. It aired Tuesday on ABC, though im sure the episode will be available for streaming on ABC’s site, aswell as available on most VOD platforms. The only thing that truly bothers me about this series, is the fact the mid season premiere, and eight episode launch season are eerily reminiscent of ‘Happy Town’ which also aired on ABC. I personally loved that show. I thought it was a brilliant and original series, and was absolutely heartbroken when it was cancelled after the eight episode first season. Hopefully though, considering the fame circling Paranormal Activity and the found footage genre in general, it will do well. Im sure having Steven Spielberg’s name involved cant hurt anything either.

*********~ (9/10)

Between this and Iron Sky, I don’t know what movies are anymore. I think Iron Sky will actually be entertaining; this could be a train wreck. ‘Merica.

So, Takashi Shimizu, who directed The Grudge is also directing 7500, a film that takes place on a possessed (?) plane, and comments on dickish passengers and curious flight attendants. I never thought The Grudge to be particularly scary or interesting but the atmosphere was rather well done. The trailer makes this film look watchable, at least, and Ryan Kwanten is an added bonus. A film set on a possessed(?) plane could be terrifying but can it be interesting for its entire run-time? Bah, it looks alright. CBS is producing 7500 which is odd; I can’t think of a news/entertainment branch ever putting out a horror-film. Well, not a company like CBS; maybe CNN will produce something about people trapped in a bus that has a bomb strapped to it, and if they slow down, the bus will explode…oh wait.

I’m taking a college course in literary theory right now, and I must confess that it is one of the most fascinating courses I’ve ever experienced. While I can’t say right now if it will dramatically impact my journalism style, but I can say it will probably change the small things about me that define my humanity. Right now we are examining trauma theory, and I can say without missing that trauma theory applies to the little-known 1989 Canadian film known as Things. Things is indicative of some kind of horrible event in the past of the directors. It is something that has made them go beyond the barriers of our feeble humanity. It cannot be grasped nor explained by sane and rational minds. I have hoped to make a career out of grasping that which is outside the cosmic scope of how we view the universe. I cannot even come close to determining what the fuck Things is supposed to be. It is not a film. It is not a story. I assume it was made on Earth machinery, but whatever devices were used no longer exist, because they broke the laws of physics and their very matter was destroyed by the madness they recorded. This is my best guess at what went down in the course of this movie.

So this guy named Don takes his friend Fred to visit his brother Doug out in his cabin in the deep dark woods, where he lives with his wife Susan. Doug and Susan have been struggling to have a baby, as indicated in an opening dream sequence where Doug asks a woman wearing a devil mask to have his baby, and then gets his hand bitten off. Anyway, Susan has been experimented on by the evil Doctor Lucas, who laughs like David The Rock Nelson and flays peoples’ hands. The David Nelson reference is apt given that Susan gives birth to not one but several hundred Devil Ants, dying in the process. Don, Doug, and Fred respond by grunting, vomiting, farting, cracking jokes, drinking beers, apparently visiting “the fourth and fifth dimensions”, and getting killed several times. Seriously. Fred is “sucked into that weird mouse-hole” off-camera and apparently explodes into blood—only to show up later with a chainsaw and get eaten by the Things! Actually, he gets eaten down to a skeleton and cracks jokes at his death while he is a skeleton. Also, Doug gets hit in the head with a hammer, which crushes his skull, only to die when he bleeds out as his hand randomly fucking explodes!! Meanwhile, Don may be criminally insane and also Amber Lynn shows up as a shoehorned-in reporter. Then, as a wholly separate entity from this vague semblance as a plot, we have the dialogue.

The voices in this movie are almost like Carl Sagan going through puberty, only with no humanity or emotion behind them. Except humor. Seriously. Screams of pain and laughter? What’s the diff? Plus also: “Aagahghgashgqqqghgha! They ate her to the skull! GAAAAAAHHH!!!” “You son of a bastard! Lighten the mood?!?!?! You DICK!!!!” “I’ve heard of living with the dead in New York, but man, this is ridiculous!!!” “You’re mentally insane! I’m taking you to a crazy person hospital! You’re psychologically crazy!” People joke about brutal death even when they themselves are being killed or are already dead. It’s like a comedy, but…not. There’s just something lodged in my brain that refuses to accept as something meant to be laughed at by anyone, even on an unintentional scale. It’s too chilling. Chilling is a perfect word. There’s just something—wrong—about…everything. The dialogue I’ve described. The camera angles…alien. The music…ill-fitting. The lighting…glitchy. I almost feel like there’s someone behind me when I watch it; and then the “jokes” reassure me that that element is outside the film’s budget. Not like budget limits anything else. The sky’s the limit on gore and dubs. They just happen to soar low.

I feel like as Yr. Humble Film Critic I’m doing a sloppy job. I simply cannot define this film any further than what I have done above—the weirdness is impeccable, but above (below?) the idea of class. It literally has to be seen to be believed. But I’m almost afraid to recommend it. Even my crowd is normalized by it. Anyone who is inexperienced will be dragged below. I assume wherever this film beckons, there is weeping.

There is no grand sense of scale here. I feel like, as in Shreck, the filmmakers were horror nerds—but they refuse to let it show. Sometimes it bobs through, but in more of a Science Crazed sense. Actually, this is Science Crazed to perfection. The plots are actually almost identical. Repetition, if ever used, is done with efficiency in mind. Or out of mind, for nothing is “in mind” in this film. The stilted acting is not made to an art form which is what makes it so sublime. The crackling film and weirdo sound effects are laziness in action. There is nothing like this, folks. Nothing at all. And if there is, it is lying. It is a pretender.

Make the call yourself. I wish I could help you further, I really do. But this is all I can offer for now. The men and women who labored at this production have captured not inhumanity, but lack of humanity, on film. Make of that what you will.

This month on The Liberal Dead we’re going to be featuring some films honoring Blaxploitation cinema. While a formal announcement and articles will follow in due time, an event not unrelated to this celebration has reared its exploitable head. eX-Fest (the e is purposely kept lower case) thrown by the good folks at Exhumed Films is in its second annual run and plans to exploit Philadelphia like it’s never been exploited before. eX-Fest features films of several different exploitation sub-genre not limited to but including blaxploitation, hicksploitation and spaghetti westerns. While Exhumed Films is known best for its 24 Hour Horror-thon and double feature presentations throughout the year, in recent years they have shown tremendous ingenuity in the art of marathon film presenation by creating both the Go Ape! film marathon (featuring Planet of the Apes films) and eX-Fest.

Last year’s offerings featured the following exploitation films (they won’t announce the films ahead of time):

Cut-throats Nine

No Way Out

The Face With Two Left Feet

Savage!

Redneck Miller

Five Fingers of Death

[The Other] Cinderella

As with their 24 hour offering, Exhumed Films does not announce their line up ahead of time. Given the line up above and the Exhumed crews’ propensity for attempting to out do themselves you may just sell yourself into sex slavery now in order to keep up your horse addiction while wearing a nun’s habit and calling yourself Super Fly. Maybe you should take up cannibalism now… probably takes some getting used to.

Tickets are limited and may be close to selling out. Even if you can’t get to this year’s event make sure to follow Exhumed Films for double features throughout the year, specialty marathons and, of course, their 24 Hour offering that is mind blowingly chock full of movies you must see on the big screen to believe.

The whole shebang takes place on April 29th and running from 11am to 11pm in glorious Philadelphia, PA . For info and to buy tickets now go HERE: eX-Fest Tickets