When I was twelve years old, I was into baseball. I was pretty good, too. I could pitch, catch, infield, outfield and I could definitely bat. I was a switch hitter, which isn’t as sexual as it sounds. It simply means that I could successfully bat in both the right, and left-handed batting stances. Once, I was doing some batting practice with a teammate, and the ball hit my finger while I was gripping an aluminum baseball bat. My finger exploded, there was blood and gore and fatty tissue all over my shirt, the tip of my finger was broken and hanging out through the wound. I had to go the hospital and have huge needles shoved in between each of my fingers so that my finger, and its contents, could be sewn back together. I’m telling you this now, because this entire experience was far more pleasurable than having to sit through Milfs VS Zombies.
Very rarely will I even review a movie that I hated this badly, but after I perused the internet for other reviews, I realized that thus far, only friends and/or family of the production team had posted reviews, and they were all dishonestly positive. So here is an honest review. Do not watch this movie. The acting is unbearable, I think half of the cast were tweaked on some form of methamphetamine. They all look unhealthy, as if they’ve been up for days slamming crystal rails off of a public toilet seat. They’re slogging through the poor dialog as if they’re fighting off a coma with everything they’ve got. And trust me, I’m not saying this to insult the actors. I’m sure it has at least something to do with the people behind the camera as well.
And even if the actors were all on their A-game that day, and not hungover from three straight days of drug and alcohol intake, the material they have to work with here is just poorly written, poorly directed, poorly shot, and the worst sin of all, it just isn’t funny. All of the gags fall flat, not even a single moment of the film caused me to crack a smile. The special effects, even for a z-grade movie like this are atrocious. And I hate to sound like a broken record, but this shit goes on for an hour-and-fucking-forty-five minutes. Usually I can find at least one redeeming quality about a movie, an actor I liked, a piece of dialog I thought was clever, an inspiring camera angle, something. And even if none of that is present, at least for the sake of any potential viewers, it’ll all be over in under an hour and a half, but no, not here. It’s awful, and it feels as if it lasts for 36 hours.
Again, I really don’t like writing reviews like this. Generally when I watch a screener that I absolutely loathe, I throw it into the “give-it-away” pile and go about my business, but when I took a quick glance, I saw nothing but positive reviews, for honestly the worst movie I’ve seen this year. I couldn’t allow this to stand, so I decided to throw my opinion into the mix. I hope it prevents at least one of you from spending a single penny on this movie. I implore you to spend your money elsewhere. If this were 70 minutes long, it would still be awful, but at least it wouldn’t have been the endurance test it is at an hour-forty five. Avoid at all cost.